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Hjemme i København | min fars hemmelighed

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M er fra Sverige og da hun er kommet langs vejs fra, inviterer vi hende i campingvognen, selvom vi har to deadlines i dag! Men tak for det M, fantastisk historie, som vi allerede har tilføjet til vores brevsamlingog ballonsamling!

Min mor og far blev separeret, da jeg var femten, og jeg forstod aldrig hvorfor. De sagde blot, at de stadig var sammen, men boede hver for sig.

Nogle år senere spurgte jeg min far, hvad det var for noget med deres separation. Hvorfor var han flyttet ud, hvorfor var de ikke blevet skilt? Og dertil svarede han, at han og mor ikke ville have, at vi skulle være skilsmissebørn. Hvilket, jeg synes, var virkelig underligt, for jeg var som sagt femten og mine søstre endnu ældre. Jeg sagde til ham, at det var underligt og svært for os, at de hverken var sammen eller skilt, og det var lettere for os at vide, at de enten var sammen eller ikke. Så blev de skilt. Men vi talte jo ikke rigtig om grunden til deres separation.

Mange år senere da jeg selv skulle giftes, kom min mor til London, hvor jeg boede, og skulle hjælpe med bryllupsforberedelserne, og det lå mig meget sinde at tale om, hvad der var sket dengang, nu hvor jeg selv skulle giftes. Hvad var det, der var sket dengang? Og hun svarede, at hun ikke vidste det. En dag havde far sagt, at han havde brug for at tænke, så han flyttede i sommerhus og lovede at ringe, når han var klar til at melde noget ud. Og den opringning ventede hun faktisk stadig på. Hun havde ligesom affundet sig med den uafklarethed, havde også fundet en anden mand, men hun ventede faktisk stadig på en forklaring.

Her for nylig blev min far meget syg og lå på intensiv, og det var spørgsmål om tid, før han ville dø, og dér ringede han min søster op og bad hende komme til sit dødsleje. Han havde noget meget vigtigt, han gerne ville fortælle os børn. Det viste sig, at han siden skilsmissen har haft en kæreste. I 25 år har han haft en kæreste, som vi aldrig har hørt om, en kvinde som vi aldrig har mødt. Han fik min søster til at ringe hende.

Efter hans død tog vi hen for at rydde op i hans hus, og der var ikke et eneste tegn på hendes eksistens. Ikke en tandbørste, ikke et fotografi. Jeg er meget splittet omkring hans hemmelighed. Jeg ved, han har holdt det hemmeligt for at spare min mors følelser, og måske også vores. Jeg er både glad for, han har haft et menneske, der har stået ham nært i alle de år, for jeg har været bange for, at han var lidt ensom. Men samtidig er det enormt trist, at hun ingenting er for mig. Jeg kender hende ikke, men hun kender mig, har hørt om mig, mit liv, opvækst, og hun set mine ting i teatret. Sikke en smerte at så stor en del af hans liv har været lukket land for hende. Og hvordan har det ikke været for min far at skjule den del af hans liv for hans familie?

tandbørste

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